WARNING: This fic has VERY sensitive material in it, this is my first fic doing anything with this kind of stuff, if you feel the need to correct me on any of it, please feel free. Anyway, this fic contains, cutting, attempted suicide, what could more than likely be counted as rape, sexual harassment and beatings and whatnot like that. So if you are triggered by any of those, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS.
It always seems like a nice idea at the time, causing yourself that physical pain to take away the emotional.
Is what Arthur Kirkland, age 17 thought as he added another cut to the collection he was accumulating on his arms.
When he saw the blood flowing out, it calmed him in an odd way, it relieved him. But since he knew he couldn’t leave any evidence of what he just did, he grabbed the toilet paper he kept close by and carefully cleaned the blood from his arm.
After wrapping his arm in more bandages, he dawned in his usual long-sleeved pajamas before heading to bed. He never liked to look in the mirror, because all he saw was someone pathetic and worthless.
Most nights he could handle just crying things out, but other nights, he would bring out an army knife that he basically felt was his good friend now, as they met in the bathroom to do what made him feel better.
The knife cutting into his skin gave him much physical pain, but that was fine, he always thought, because it releases some of the mental pain he was feeling.
With a father that seemed to treat him kindly, was his worst nightmare, only when his father was kind, was when he would invite him into his bedroom. Arthur hated going in there, and when he wasn’t being forced to smile while on his back for his father, his brothers would mock and beat him.
They knew he was gay from that night, that one night when they caught him giving a small kiss to the boy from school, one of the worst mistakes of his life. After his brothers found out about it, the boy rejected his feelings and left the next day.
The only person he felt he could count on in the least was his good friend.
His phone lit up as he lied in his bed, exhausted from the blood he had lost, but as he looked at his phone to see the name, ‘Alfred’ on it, he gave a small smile and looked at the text.
“Hey Artie! Wonderin if you were still up at all?? Cause I just played this horror game, AND IT’S NOT LIKE I’M SCARED OR ANYTHING!! I just wanted to tell you about it!”
Arthur chuckled tiredly at the text before sitting up slightly and answering, “Hey Alfred, and I told you to stop calling me that, but you can call if you want.”
As he sent off the text, he stopped frozen since he heard someone up, he looked to the door, hoping and praying that whoever was up, didn’t come to his room, but as the footsteps just went to the bathroom, he let out a small sigh of relief.
He jumped as he felt his phone buzz before sighing and answering, “Heh…hey Alfred..”
“I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE AWAKE!”
Arthur held the phone away from his ear a moment then chuckled lightly before bringing it back and listening to him. Arthur didn't really play video games much since he would much rather sleep to escape the world he lived in.
As Alfred spoke, Arthur could feel himself getting sleepier, after a bit of Alfred talking and Arthur listening they finally said their goodnights and he hung up and laid down.
But as soon as he did, his door opened, luckily he was facing away from it because as soon as it did, his eyes shot open, waiting to hear the feet come towards him. He knew each foot pattern and he hoped and prayed that the footsteps would be from his brothers, rough and fairly light.
But no, as he heard them getting closer, he felt himself getting sick to his stomach, it was his father, tears started to build up in his eyes, and before anything else could be processed in his mind, a fairly large, yet gentle hand ran down his side.
He shivered out of pure fear and disgust, he hated the way those hands touched him, the way they promised happiness, and yet spiraled him into darkness.
“Hello my little rose bud…” Arthur grimaced at the name and started to shake. That was what he called him, every time it was just them, because he was still a blooming flower. His father preferred to call him a bud because that meant he was still young and beautiful.
Arthur teared up more, he always took solace in the fact that his room was the one place he could escape all thoughts of his father and his brothers. But as his father pushed him back onto his bed after he was about to automatically get up and go to his room.
A nightmare, that’s what it was, his father decided to pleasure himself in Arthur's room. He wanted to call Alfred again, he wanted someone to be there for him, but he knew he couldn't, why would he force his best friend to hear anything that heinous?
As the next day came and Arthur got to school bags under his eyes, even more new scars, deathly pale form those new scars, and a pounding pain in his lower body, all he could do was put on his normal façade.
As Alfred met up with him with that bid smile, it faded some, seeing him, “Arthur? Are you alright?”
Arthur paused, at the verge of tears, he simply closed his eyes to hide them and gave the best smile he knew he could give and said to him, “I’m fine, just tired..”
Tired…of my hell…
As the day went on, Arthur still felt tired and mostly in pain everywhere, but while he kept going throughout the day, he couldn’t help but think, ‘Why…? Why did I even come today? Why did I even wake up? Why do I keep trying at something I really shouldn’t? Life is a silly thing, and I am unimportant in the grand scheme of it all.’
During lunch, Arthur spent most of it in the bathroom, throwing up what he had tried to eat, anything he ate was too reminiscent of what he went through during the nights, things too long, things too puffy or creamy, things too…oh God.
He quickly ran into the stall again to empty his stomach once more.
He wanted to eat, he wanted that so much, but he just couldn’t keep anything down. So as he skipped the rest of it, he looked into the mirror at himself, actually getting a good look at himself.
He could actually remember a time when he actually had color in his cheeks, and life in his eyes, and no…marks…cluttering his body, or scars.
He looked at his pale completion and just stared at the reflection staring back at him. Who was this person? How could they have fallen so far? Why did it have to be him? Why? Why? Why? WHY? He covered his face as tears started to roll down his cheeks.
He couldn’t take this anymore, he didn’t want to, not ever again. He felt into his pocket where the razor blade from art class sat, waiting for his decision.
He jumped at the sudden loud noise of the bathroom door opening. He looked over to see Alfred, looking at him worriedly before walking over to him, “Hey Arthur…someone said they heard someone getting sick in here, are you alright? Are you feeling okay?”
Arthur looked at him then down to wipe his eyes of at least most of his tears, the rest he could blame on him getting sick.
He looked back to him and forced a smile, something that he has been trained to do, and said, “I’m fine…just ate something bad I guess..”
He was hoping and praying that Alfred was as thick as he acted and would believe him. And while he actually didn’t look all too convinced, he gave his usual smile, “Well…alright…if you feel a bit better now…then how about spending the rest of lunch with me? I mean, you don’t have to eat anything if you still don’t feel like it.”
The thought of putting anything in his mouth was just appalling, but he smiled at Alfred for the suggestion, he was very glad to have him as a best friend, “heh…alright Alfred…I’ll join you.”
Alfred smiled even more before they both walked out and started talking once more. Alfred always had a way of brightening up each room he walked into, Arthur envied him for that.
They had known each other since second grade, and when Arthur realized he was gay, he also realized he had feelings for Alfred, but there was no way he was going to say anything to him.
He didn’t feel he was good enough, a “precious flower bud” that turned into a, “dirty fucking slut bitch” at night, versus the sun, that always left warmth and comfort wherever he went? There was no way he could even get close to that, he would burn up from the light before he even got close.
So he kept his feelings hidden, but it was nice to still be with him and actually smile and laugh. With Alfred, he felt like he could escape, and forget everything at home, until he actually had to go home of course.
No matter how pleasant his day was, no matter how kind Alfred was, he still had to come home to these people, and they made him want to end his life so much, just so he wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. All the physical pain they all left, definitely took a toll on his soul too.
He was just so tired, tired of it all, every bit of it. As he walked up to the house, he noticed that no one was home except for him, good.
He walked into the house, basically forgetting to lock the door, he didn’t care about anything else now. He went to his room, memories of the night before flooding his mind, he tried to ignore it the best his could as he went and grabbed his knife form under his mattress.
He walked into the bathroom and took his long sleeve off, as well as the bandages he had on before staring a bath and taking a few breathes, this was it.
Alfred walked up to the house before looking at the notes Arthur had left at the end of class, then started heading to the door.
Arthur got undressed before stepping in and grabbing the knife, he started crying some before he brought the knife to his skin and brought it down his arm, leaving a trail of blood and drops falling into the water.
Alfred walked in and looked around, he was about to call his name before hearing someone in the bathroom. He walked over to the door smiling, “Hey Arthur you left your no-“
His eyes widened seeing him in the bathtub, “ARHTUR!!!” After that, everything just seemed a little fuzzy.
Darkness, it seemed so comforting, yet so lonely. He felt himself floating in the darkness, but as he was there, he saw a tad bit of light, far away, after hearing a voice calling his name, sounding sad, he decided to head to it and see who would possibly be sad about him being dead.
Suddenly he found himself in a room, a hospital room he would guess by all the sounds around him, but did they have to leave the room so bloody bright?
As soon as his mind started registering what was going on, he looked to one side of the room to see a couple, asleep, sitting in the chairs on the other side of the room, he recognized the couple though.
As he looked to the other side of him, he saw Alfred, asleep, right next to him.
He couldn’t move since he lost too much blood, but he finally was able to speak, if even just a tiny bit, “A…lf….red…?”
Alfred blinked some before sitting up quickly, eyes red from crying and bags under his eyes, but there was that smile, that lit it all up again, “Arthur!! Thank God…” He said before hugging him as much as he could, tears coming down again, “please don’t ever scare me like that again…please…”
Arthur could feel slight tears coming down his cheeks, he actually felt happy, that Alfred was the one who saved him, Alfred was the one that helped him back, and Alfred was the light at the end of his tunnel.
And as the doctor came in to check on him, he told them everything and answered every question they asked. After getting it all out, with horrified expressions from both Alfred and his family, they decided to take him in instead.
A few months later and Arthur was on his feet again and out of the hospital to start a new life where he didn’t have to live in fear from anyone when he got home, he wasn’t used to the kind and fun-loving family, but they weren’t the type of people to give up on anything.
And as Arthur packed the last of his things, he looked at the knife that he used once more.
“Arthur? You done?” Alfred asked him outside his door, still smiling.
Arthur looked at the knife again before smiling and tossing it to the other side of his bed, he turned and walked out with Alfred, smiling, “Yeah…I’m done..”
Alfred smiled once more before they left, “Cool, let’s go home.”